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Submitted on
February 15, 2013
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(Hello children. Can you say “bandwagon”? So inbetween working on my other pieces, along with a massive project I have in the works, I thought I’d blow off some steam by having some fun with this piece o’ crap fic that would make even Quarter Life, Half way to destruction vomit. So, lets get this train wreck a rolling!)
Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts (Anyone notice a spooky similarity to My Immortal’s opening line here? Well at least Marissa’s not getting any costume porn yet.) and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped. (Well at least she’s specified WHEN this fic takes place, even if she can’t spell the simplest of words) Glados had captured me in the science lab places and made me do bad tests. (Science lab places? She couldn’t specify it was Aperture? Also, lovely description on the “bad tests” there.) There was no thing fun bout thetests an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing. (Shouldn’t you be dead then? I mean this has clearly been going on for days here and you’re barely even bothered?)

"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me. (Yeah, GLaDOS very rarely screams. Her manner of speaking is usually snide and sarcastic. The few times she did scream were when she destroyed and had her head taken off) Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. (Pointless sentence Is pointless, yaaaaay) The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing. (Line thing? How is P-Body a line thing? It’s an oval if anything, assuming this IS P-Body anyway.) "THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY (CALLED I- wait, boy?) NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD." Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. (Uh…this might be out of my range of expertise, but Avril Lavigne music doesn’t tend to be all that gothic. Though the gothic overtone of GLaDOS is making me nervous…) Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves. (Makes me totally forget I’m starved, dehydrated and busting for a pee! So annoying!)

"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE!) (So it is. Clever. You. :/) I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas.(Someone wants to keep this fic PG-13. That's rare.) P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place. (Man, those must be some impressive bobs she's got there if it can make a robot stare.) That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over (Portals: Now used for torture) and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me.(Lolling is not a word you scum of the internet.) Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them. (How? They're robots, they have no mouths!) I was fedup with all of portal labs (APERTURE. IS THAT SO HARD TO SAY?! AP-ER-TURE!) and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots (No boots i know of can protect your lungs.) and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy. (>:c)

I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (No duh.)(AN not even gonna say that word LOL) (You made that pretty clear the last time you bleeped it out, dummy.) so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant.(Run on sentences. My arch nemesis, we meet again >>) Altas angered at me (Like this D:< ?) an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!" ($3.50 please.)Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain (Wimp) and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz. (So, using two advanced pieces of technology as blunt objects. Good job guys, Aperture Science's finest.)

Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood (Jeezus e.o Now you REALLY should be dead.) while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out. (Man, they got so drunk they went into the past?!) All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn't see eachother in moths. (I have this wonderful image in my head of the companion cube in a test chamber, completley still, as GLaDOS shouts at it.) But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met (I dunno, did you miss that bit where he went all narky and almost destroyed the facility?) an he had a super sexay British aksent, (*facepalm*) but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell. I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. (Gee, i wonder what it could be. Maybe she's hungry?) knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby. (...i'm sorry,  I can't even begin to comprehend any part of that sentence or its implications....jeezus e.e)

There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon (Uh, windows in the test chambers only tend to be for other people to look through. In all of Portal, there's never been a window to the outside. The one time there was, the roof had blown up.) where Wheetly was. I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. (Redundancy!)Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy (P=Boy? So does that mean Mispelling+Portal=Shit?) started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!" I stared rite at their lauffin' feces (an image I shall carry to the grave.) and said my first words! (How old IS Marissa anyway?)

"OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" (How lovely. Her first words consist of hate filled gibberish and leetspeak. Congratulations.) An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. (The Portal Gun can usually only be held with both hands.) My hare was streaming behind me (How did rabbits get into Aperture? The same way the birds did I guess.)an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. (How DARE you tell me how good I look you creeps!) "Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!" (Oh boy, looks like we got a "beauty curse" sue on our hands. They're always fun.)I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was. (That must look weird when you're running. Guess Atlas and P-Body/Boy decided not to give chase...)

There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself! (...how? Is she slicing her wires?) "CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!" (Well if that isn't the biggest dump of sue crap and exposition i've ever seen. Also, RUN ON SENTENCES ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL!) Then robot blood started goin everwhere (Robot blood? I'm gonna say oil in this situation...)and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1! (Not even touching that one.)

THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, (Actually, there were about 3 twists. Three very poorly executed twists.) IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? (Probably not, she is a robot after all.) FIND OUT NECKS TIME! (ON DRAGON BALL Z)
(So yeah, bad fic is bad, but also hillarious. Coming up in chapter 2, more crap no-one cares about. Yaaaaaay.)
Here it is, chapter 1 of the Its my life! commentary. Enjoy!
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
My brain tends to degenerate over the Summer... I've decided to help it along my re-reading this. Also, as my writing skills have improved tremendously (at least, I remember to capitalize I's) so I can really cringe at how bad this is now.
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:iconcadengallic:
CadenGallic Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
Always a good thing to do, friend. 
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner May 24, 2014
...Yeah, after looking at what I just typed, I think just reading this first chapter again has broken me.
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
"P-Boy" Oh god I can see where this is going. That's short for Play Boy isn't it?!
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:iconcadengallic:
CadenGallic Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
Sadly, not even some good old fashioned porn could save this fic. 
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
It could be worse. She could be a vampire.
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:iconcadengallic:
CadenGallic Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
Egh... nosferatu no welcome. 
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
Then again could you really call the girl from My Immortal a vampire? She was probably just a goth wannabe who liked red kool-aid. 
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:iconcadengallic:
CadenGallic Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013
I'd call her a vampire. 
Therefore when I hunt her down with garlic and a steak, I can be justified in it. 
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:iconlunarwolfin:
lunarwolfin Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013
Fair enough.
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